Today’s task:
Accept constructive criticism, even if it’s painful
I’m going to get a bit vulnerable today and own up to my mistakes. The reason is that without taking responsibility for my own actions, I’m a hypocrite, and nothing that I do in the space of personal growth and development holds any real weight.
I had a very difficult conversation with someone I love dearly yesterday about how I show up in relationships. And my heart sank as I realized that I didn’t show up for them at a time in their ill health, when they most needed emotional support. I think at the time I myself was going through financial hardship, and was so focused on getting myself out of debt that my ability to show concern for those around me completely fell through the cracks. It’s no excuse for my behavior, though.
I’m not saying it’s realistic that we can be everything, all the time, but I do think that if people matter, you should show them you care, regardless of any circumstances that might make it difficult or uncomfortable.
Friendships, romantic, or family relationships, it doesn’t matter. If that person means something to you, you’ll find a way to show up for them. And I realized in that conversation that as much as I love to think about improving my systems for organization and doing better at work and scheduling time to talk regularly with friends and family, sometimes it’s not enough. Or it wasn’t the right thing for the person that really needed it at the right time.
I’ll admit, this conversation has me feeling pretty in the dumps today, and I’m sure it will continue to weigh heavily on my heart until I forgive myself for my behavior. It’s probably the fastest I feel like I’ve come down from a high in a long time, because I always strive to be better and help others and be kind and respectful and inspire those around me, but the words of a single individual can slice through all intention and get to the raw truth of the matter in seconds.
Check yourself, Emily.
I didn’t show up for that person. And I didn’t show up in the relationship in a way that showed that I really cared. I think I may have risked losing that person in my life for good, and not because of that one moment, but because of the track record that I set, which wasn’t a healthy one.
This isn’t the first time someone has shared this kind of information with me. Another person also told me that I tend to be ‘cold’, and there are little things that I could have done to make the other person feel welcomed in my home, valued for their time, and more. Part of this could very well be cultural – both of them hail from Latin America, and I’ve never had others from the States express the same sentiments regarding my hospitality or the way I show up in friendships. I’ve often heard people say that they wish they reached out to me more often because the friendship feels one-sided when I’m the one always taking the lead to initiate conversation or plans. Some might say that isn’t a real friendship. But I find that I enjoy checking in with people, seeing what’s new in their life, what they’re up to, and the opportunity to chat about big picture goals we have in life. In the absence of more in-person friendships over the last couple of years, it’s definitely helped me feel grounded and less isolated.
I’m not going to use cultural differences as an excuse to recuse myself from my behavior. Both times that I’ve had these conversations, I felt terrible, and wondered how I could be such a bitch. How could I have not seen what was going on earlier? Is this the way that I would want to be treated? It’s a lesson that I think I will continue to learn and work on for the rest of my life, because I didn’t grow up in Latin culture, and I’m pretty sure I want to make my home in a place where I’m immersed in it.
But I want to talk money. That’s what this challenge is all about, and I would be remiss to avoid making the connection between constructive criticism and one’s financial abundance explicit.
In any change that you want to make in life, you have to accept responsibility for your actions. You have to be willing to ask for help. And you have to be willing to face the stuff that comes up for you, even if it’s not a message that you want to hear.
I’m so eternally grateful for all the people who have taken the time to edit my papers for school, to look over a grant application, to point out when I’m being too self-centered, to warn me of overworking myself. Every time, I had to accept critical feedback about how what I was doing needed to be done differently. And it was always hard, because it meant that what I was doing wasn’t perfect.
If you think about your financial situation, and the goals that you have for yourself, consider the possibility that there could be tweaks made to your plan that just might change everything for the better. A conversation with a friend, a question with a mentor, a chat with a colleague…Recognize that as you change, your goals will change. And that there is no such thing as perfection.
Make the plan according to YOU, your values, and what you want your lifestyle to look like. No one can write that script for you, but they can provide some insight that might make the journey a bit less rocky. Don’t expect receiving that feedback to be easy, or comfortable. You may spend days on end crying your eyes out, questioning so many decisions that you’ve made up to this point, doubting yourself.
My suggestion is that you find a healthy way to process your emotions, both now and in the future. Exercise, meditation, breathwork…Anything that can get you out of your head, into your body, and closer to your heart and intuition. Trust yourself. And trust that the Universe is looking out for you, even during hard times.
So go out and find someone. Ask them for feedback on your financial goals. And be willing to accept all that they have to offer, even if you don’t end up changing much. It’s a healthy practice to get in, no matter what area of your life you’re trying to improve.
